Entry #9

This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. – Rumi

In the poem, The Guest House, Rumi uses the metaphor of a house guest to create an image that each day we have the opportunity to welcome something new into our lives, even if it is unexpected. And just like the house guests who can cause us to feel uncomfortable with their visit, unwelcome feelings that stop by our house, our life, can be just as exasperating.
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We wait impatiently for these house guests to leave so we can put our house back just like it was before they arrived. However, underneath the irritation can live incredible value when we take the time to receive these guests with humility and courage. This is how I feel about my situation…I know this is part of a larger plan and that what I and hopefully others can learn from this experience will make the future more exciting and rich if we take the time to embrace it and welcome the insights into our lives.

Rumi’s poem is a good reminder to embrace change, face our fears and use our bodies as a guest house to welcome whatever, and whoever, drops-in on us from time-to-time:

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

– Jelaluddin Rumi

Fear keeps us trapped. We shut doors and windows and refuse to let anything, or anyone, new inside. We hide in the familiar. We keep growth and personal change outside because our fear tells us that opening the door and inviting a new guest into our home is just too dangerous. 

I had a very interesting conversation with my friend Jeff Clark two Monday’s ago in Half Moon Bay. Jeff is the first guy to surf Mavericks and is a legend in terms of big wave surfing. The waves were pumping, so on my way home from UCSF I stopped and watched the 40-50 foot face waves and the surfers riding those giants.  He wanted me to go out in his boat to watch, but I am not supposed to go in the ocean yet. The odds of getting really wet and potentially in a bad situation were not worth the risk. 

We met up a couple hours later and had a great discussion about fear and moving from the known to the unknown.  He said that for him he thrives at the moment he moves from what he knows he can do to the moment when he is uncertain about his ability.  “If at that moment you revert to fear you will most likely not be successful, but if you go forward with faith using the skills you have…you can enter into a new zone of growth and skill, and then the unknown becomes known and you have reached a new level.” This process of growth creates confidence and makes the next situation in your life that much easier as you go from uncertainty to certainty…until you try and give it 100% you will never know what is possible.  

The extraordinary effort is where our lives can explode, if we are open and grateful to whatever is standing in the doorstep and waiting to receive the invitation to come inside.

Sometimes what we fear most is not that our lives will turn out poorly, but we will actually find peace and happiness. So, we do nothing. We don’t allow happiness to walk inside because what would we have to complain about next? Somewhere behind our walls we have learned there is a false comfort with the predictable. 

Look for the strength in your house and the weaknesses too. Take the chance to answer the doorbell and allow every experience inside. Treat each experience humbly.

Wait on your guest, serve your guest and don’t rush your guest to leave. When the visit is over you may find your house is in better shape than it was before your guest came to visit.

After all, Life, our guest, won’t be staying long.

Health Update:

Lots of things to give updates on today after my visit with the doctor:

• I saw the CT Scan and my tumor has decreased in size!!  This is really great news after my first 6 weeks of treatment. 
• The fluid that was in my lungs has decreased and my breathing has gotten better. 
• The protein marker I referred to (Carcinoembryonic Antigen-CEA) moved to 118. My serum level was 286 on 11/2/15 and it was 165.7 on 11/23/15.  
• For the first time in 6 months I was able to sleep or rotate onto my side or stomach for more than a few minutes.  This is due to the decrease of fluid in my lungs which made it so that I have had to lay flat on my back when sleeping.
• My cough is less consistent and my voice is kind of getting better
• I went to an ENT doctor this week at Stanford to get checked out and I do not have any issues that are cancer related which was a question we have wondered about.
• I developed a Pulmonary Embolism (PE) over the last 6 weeks in my left lung. A PE is a blood clot and to get rid of the blood clot I have to give myself two shots a day for 6 weeks to reduce the clot.  I will get another CT Scan in 5 weeks and we will assess the PE.  The most likely scenario is that I will need to take some form of a blood thinner for an extended period of time.  One theory on how I got the blood clot is from the trial drug that I hope I am on.  You can develop a PE from my chemotherapy drugs, but the odds increase with the trial drug.
• Since I developed a PE while on the clinical trial, I am no longer able to be on the trial based on the rules of the clinical trial.  They are concerned with someone getting a PE and hence they do not want you to continue on the trial.  If I was on the trial drug, I received 3/4 of the infusions so the doctor feels like I got most of the benefit of the drug.
• Given I am not officially on the trial, it may change my frequency of having to visit UCSF on a weekly basis down the road.  This will be determined depending on how things unfold over the next 5-6 weeks. Basically, I will welcome whatever arrives at the door and plan accordingly!
• Breakthrough News: My doctor at Stanford retained some of my tissue samples and he found a mutation called HER2. HER2 is typically associated with breast cancer and is found in about 2% of cases that are similar to mine.  There currently are no drugs available for HER2 relative to lung cancer.  You will recall that in the beginning we were searching for a mutation and never found one…so this is really great news! 
  • What this means is that I have a good back up plan should my tumor start to grow or we feel we should try something new.  If my tumor continues to shrink or stays steady state, we will most likely stay with the maintenance dosage of Chemotherapy (Alimpta) that I will start taking in January. 
  • I am in the process of learning about HER2 and the drugs associated with treating lung cancer.  More in the future entries.

This last week since my infusion, I have at times been nauseated and a little bit dizzy and have experienced a little bit of chemo mouth (everything taste like metal) as well as being tired. My immune system is low and I will try and get thru this next week without picking up any illnesses. 

It is interesting how each week there has been a different reaction and symptoms.  Once again the lesson of expectations and surprises continues to teach me that we must be open to whatever appears at our door and to expect the best and be prepared to welcome whatever arrives with a smile and conviction to appreciate the journey whatever it may be.

My next chemotherapy will be January 4, 2016.

I failed to mention that yesterday when Emmett took me to UCSF he passed out while I was giving blood.  The poor guy was just watching the nurse poke me and pull out 7 vials of blood and low and behold we turn around and just saw him fall like a tree to the tile floor.  His head hit the floor with such a beautiful thud and he was as white as a ghost.  The nurses left me and immediately focused on Emmett for the next 5-10 minutes.  He was out for a few minutes and can’t remember much of the situation. One of the nurses was hysterical and it actually was funny watching them try and bring Emmett back to reality. We immediately went and ate breakfast and Emmett started to come back to his normal self. It was nice to be a caretaker for a few moments!

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season with family and friends! 

I love all y’all!

Greg