I realize I just posted a couple of days ago…but given the events of yesterday…and that many of you are in commute for Thanksgiving…I hope I can provide a little bit of levity while you are stuck at the airport or in traffic or dealing with mother in laws/father in laws, grandkids, kids, etc.

Health Update: all went well yesterday with my Infusion…no major issues.

Funny part of the day:

Every week I get my blood tested, some weeks they take more than others…yesterday when they started taking my blood...after two vials my blood stopped flowing.  They said, “have you drank anything this morning and I said, “no”, so I had to drink a bunch of water, an Odwalla protein shake and then my blood started flowing again.  I tell you this because this excessive drinking is context for the rest of the story.

When I got back to Mt. Zion Hospital and began my infusion (I have to shuttle between Parnassus and Mt. Zion for various tests—they are two different hospitals that are part of UCSF) I needed to go to the bathroom.  It is no small ordeal given the set up when you get an infusion, I have two IV’s in me…one of them on the right arm and one on the left and there are four different lines running into the IV. The bags of fluid are on a tower that allows the fluid to drip down.  Also on the machine are monitors and lights, it makes noises and annoying sounds and it is about 7 feet high. The total amount of fluid they put into you is about ¾ of a liter…so that is quite a bit combined with all the water and Odwalla I had been drinking.

I got to the bathroom and someone was in it…so I patiently waited and after a couple of minutes I knocked just to make sure someone was alive in there…an older lady screamed something back and a few swear words, so I just sat patiently…clearly thinking her situation was worse than mine.  A nurse came by and said I should try another bathroom…so I tried and that one was busy as well.  So I thought, the old lady has to be about done…so I walked back (more like skipped…get the visual…I was in a hurried situation but trying to look totally in control as I passed the nurses station and the other patients) to the original bathroom…and by now I was feeling it…I needed to go.  Something about the power of the mind when you get close to a bathroom…that force is real! The power of suggestion moves things along for sure! A nurse came by and knocked on the door and the lady yelled back “I am going as fast as I can.” We both just looked at each other and said, “well…she is on her own program…no hurrying her up.” I learned later she had been coming there for 14 years and was a grumpy old lady.

At this point, I am in serious need to go, I start doing the old fox trot in place, trying to stay out of view ( I actually found a little area that was a dead end and just walls and tile floor where I could see the bathroom door…I start to try and pinch off the flow as best as possible, I even go into the deep crotch sitting position to try and alter the flow…but my IV connections only allowed me to squat so low, I tried to think of random topics to avoid thinking about going to the bathroom…but what can I say…the machine was still flowing IV into my veins and I could just not keep it in…I remember thinking…“I gotta go and it is only getting worse with each drop into my veins of this IV!” I looked around to see if there was somewhere I could go…the only option was straight to the tile floor…I pondered if I should make that move…and I just could not do it right on the floor…so right there in the infusion room around a corner…I wet my pants…I felt that warm feeling flow down my legs, saw the nice levis get a little darker, my shirt tail and t-shirt got into the flow as well as my compression socks given the position I was in…and well there you have it…I was a mess…sock to shirt and everything in between.  The cute nurses that I have been successfully building/flirting with over the last month…now they see me in a completely new way…not quite sure how I am going to recover from this one. They were starting to like me and even saved me the best spot for my infusion that day.  Who knows where they will put me next time?

The old lady finally came out of the bathroom, but it was obviously too late.  I made it into the bathroom and I still had more to go…so I was successful in pinching some of it off…and at this point I saw that as a real personal victory and was celebrating it in my mind!  I was proud of myself!  In moments of horror you must find an island of hope and feel some kind of victory!

To make matters worse, while I was in the bathroom all my alarms started going off and the alarms are piercing…pretty soon I had 3 nurses knocking on my door wondering if all was ok. The alarms go off on their own when it is time to switch to a new drug or they can go off if the patient hits certain buttons…so they had no clue why it sounded like a sound machine in the bathroom. 

I had to admit to the nurses what happened and I tried to make them laugh because the only alternative was to cry…they wanted to come in and stop all the noises and I was just trying to figure out how in world I was going to survive the rest of my infusion with soiled clothing?

I finally let them in, and they were proactive enough to bring me some scrubs to wear…but only the bottoms because why would a guy mess up his shirt if he wet his pants?…so that solved my “what am I going to do with my pants but not my shirt!” When I left the bathroom, I saw that my favorite nurse had discovered my urine in the little corner were I was sitting before making it into the bathroom and she had her full protective clothing on like it was some major chemical spill! They were all very nice…saying that there is nothing they don’t see…and this was minor…but let’s be clear…they were trying to make me feel good! 

The hardest part was my shirt…I could not get my shirt off because of the IV’s…there was no way to do without cutting off my shirt or undoing the IV’s…it was a serious predicament. I walked back to my infusion area with my urine soaked thick cotton shirt that was beginning to smell…my favorite nurse saw the dilemma…she was kind not to make me explain the entire scenario!  We finally undid the IV’s so I could take my t-shirt and shirt off that were all messed up! It was no easy solution…there I was almost naked with all these nurses trying to figure out a solution, my scrubs were barely staying on around my waste, I was glad I still had somewhat of a summer tan left over and did not completely look like a loser…I actually found the situation “Fraught with Humor” (a great line from the Parent Trap Movies)…so I tried to create some fun at my expense!

I could not help but reflect back that the last time this happened to me was in kindergarten at Nimitz Elementary in Sunnyvale, CA…it feels like yesterday but it was 48 years ago.  The bathroom was connected to the classroom and for some reason I could not get the pants down in time and boom…I felt that warm feeling flow down my legs.  I remember being so embarrassed that I did not come out of the bathroom.  They thought I was lost and couldn’t find me for some time, I think they even called my mom at home wondering if I wandered home…and then in the corner of the bathroom there I was.  I remember getting sent home and then I had to have a back up set of clothes at the school.  I remember not wanting to tell the other kids why I had extra clothes. I was hoping to make it 50 years before I re-enacted that same experience…but I guess I will settle on 48!

The nurses gave me a nice plastic bag to take my soiled clothes back home in…very similar to the bag I used in Kindergarten! Jan has declared that maybe it is time to add “Depends” to the shopping list before I go up for my next infusion!  

I told Henry the story last night and he said he would have found a plant to go in…nice suggestion but no plants were around in my private corner.  I am open to other good ideas!

Time + Tragedy = Humor…so let the humor begin!

Have a great holiday!!

Health Update: I had a great week.  Side effects have diminished, my energy is back up, I was able to do more things around the house, I rode my bike, worked, gained some weight, and enjoyed reading some books. In the third week before your next dose of Chemotherapy they say this is typical because your platelet count goes back up…and hence your internal systems function like normal.  Per my last entry…when you are happy internally you are happy externally!

If you are wondering what it feels like to me to have my lung cancer on a day to day basis (everyone is different)…I think I would summarize it by saying - my chest is tight, my breathing is constrained, I cough a lot, my speech pattern is not normal, my throat is sore, curious what new side effect might pop up, my energy level is less than normal, talking too much is difficult (for me this is a tough one and maybe a big blessing for all of you!), and besides that life is great!...those internal things are minor and I would never would have told you those things if it wasn’t for this blog and people wondering…on the outside all looks good with my MadVember Beard! 

I experimented this week when someone asked me how I was doing, I said, “I’m fine except that I have cancer,” and they just had no idea how to respond…I helped them out and smoothed over the awkward moment…it was fun!  Sometimes we don’t expect to get the truth when we ask questions! 

I go to UCSF on the 23rd for Infusion #2…so next post I will let you know how that goes!! My daughter Ella is going to go with me, so it will be interesting to be with her.

Reflections:

I have referred to it over the first 5 entries’…but something came more clear for me this week as I was talking to my friend who is an Oncologist Nurse in Santa Cruz.  She said, “one of the reasons I love this work, is that the conversation changes when people have cancer…it is amazing to be a part of people’s life during this period.”

I have obviously felt this, tasted it, seen it in my own experience over the last several weeks and am captivated trying to understand why? When you change your internal frame of reference all of a sudden everything looks different. 

She is right on…when you get Cancer it changes the conversation…clearly other things change the conversation as well...but in general something potentially life threatening, with lots of uncertainty and people having a mix of experience with different outcomes…the context is shifted enough to cause us to behave in a different way than how we behaved seconds before learning this information.

New thoughts  - new choices - new actions/behaviors - new experience/results = new feelings  that in turn inspires new thoughts and the cycle repeats…is the formula that cancer fits into…just by getting diagnosed it begins to create new thoughts & feelings that in turn feed the chain of events that create new actions from you and from others around you…and that in turn creates a different experience.  

Our ability to change the results/experience in our lives is a very difficult process…over the years I have read, studied, pondered on habit changing, change and transition, human development, etc.…and the facts are pretty clear….most of us have a very difficult time changing from the “identify” that we have patterned for ourselves. For many that pattern is amazing…so maybe there is no reason to change…for others change could be a good thing.  I always have thought that unless we are growing, learning, and evolving that we are potentially not continuing to develop as human beings, and that we must continually evolve as the world around us is changing. 

If we score ourselves from 1-10 across various aspects of our lives, (spiritual, physical, emotional, financial, professional, relationships with the various people in our lives, etc.) and if there is room to get better or even to stay the same given the changing context then this conversation is relevant.

I am interested in the topic because as a teacher/coach/trainer/consultant over the years I have always tried to teach people the mindset/skills/tools to have a conversation that is meaningful and causes concerted action.  This has taken the shape of doing organizational training work, outdoor adventuring, strategy work with executive teams, organizational change and development, figuring out how to drive sales growth and improve the sales conversation, problem solving and resolution of difficult issues with unique stakeholder groups, how to effectively give a presentation that promotes action, and lately lots of work around how to enhance Innovation within the walls of your company.

The fact is that changing the conversation with people is very, very difficult. Many people espouse a desire to shift but very few seem to actually be able to make it happen. So I hope you can see why getting cancer for me has been fascinating because I have seen the conversation shift before my eyes…and I am intrigued to explore what we can learn from this and how we can integrate some of the amazing aspects of this into each of our lives more fully without having to experience a seminal event.

The human condition is so tender, we are sensitive human beings that are easily impacted by words someone uses, the way someone looks at us, and the things people do. When we know that people genuinely and sincerely love us and want the best for us, our confidence, outlook, and ability to face uncertainty and challenges goes up.  It changes our Thoughts-Options -Actions-Experience/Results - Feelings and then we are able to create new patterns of behavior that drive us towards wanting to get a 10 across the areas of our lives that we are interested in improving. 
​
I have been observing the current events of this week with the crisis in Paris and the horrific actions of ISIS…the conversation/situation has changed around the world. We can no longer go back to the way it was, the context is different and the impetus for action is real.  In my work, we call this kind of situation a “state change”…meaning that it is impossible to go back to the way things were.  Simple example…if you have a cup of hot water and put your chamomile tea bag into that water…the water changes to tasty tea and it is impossible to change that tea back to plain hot water…that is a state change.  

So cancer is a state change, I cannot go back to the way things were and my life view is a little different as a result.  I hope this kind of interaction and human connection will not go away…but the human condition is such that we all have very busy and complex lives and must focus on what is critical at the time.  I know that the energy will subside and my hope is that each of us can figure out how to keep this human connection alive with those we associate with. For me, this is a state change that I want to make permanent as best as possible and I’m thankful for this experience, it is a gift in my life.

I believe the benefits for us and for others is quite lovely and piercing to the soul. I think it was what we all agreed to before we came to earth. We said we would help each other down here, in fact I believe we are all connected as brothers and sisters and hence it only makes sense that this human quality of love towards your brother or sister would come out during a difficult time. Somehow I think we tap into “The Ties That Bind” (Bruce Springsteen documentary about his 1980 album “The River” premiered last Saturday in NYC…the documentary will air on HBO Nov 27th. Worth a watch!) us all together regardless of our differences, and we feel this amazingness that is called love in a real way. This gives us confidence to move forward in the midst of the trials and challenges that are sure to come our way. 

For some reason there are many people that do not want us to be successful…as strange as that sounds…we must help people to fight against this tide of negative energy and insecurity from others. We must rejoice in the success of others, not see it as a threat to us, but learn and grow from it! I remember many years ago, one of my friends that was a professional athlete said, “it is just amazing the number of people that do not want me to be successful.” This was shocking to me but I realized it was true.

So what do we do?

It takes time to create connection and common experiences that bind us together.  It is hard to jump straight to this connection; there needs to be some type of exchange of human interaction to begin to create the bonds, hence that is why service is such a key element in the equation. Doing something for someone for no reason is what often begins the cycle of developing a connection. At work and at home we create this by the effort we put in, the acts of service we perform, the commitments we make and keep, and the way we go about accomplishing our tasks.  This is how social capital is built. We cannot expect it to just happen, it requires energy and work.

Along the way it is important to express your appreciation…don’t wait…never wait!  Appreciation might not get a second chance and something always seems to change with time.  Don’t let those moments pass to make someone feel good about themselves.  There is no greater gift than to build and enhance the self-confidence and skills of a fellow human being. This in turn builds their internal fortitude to press forward and is expressed in their outward behavior.

A few off the cuff thoughts about how cancer has shifted my internal thoughts:

• I would say I am more conscious of every moment
• More open in telling people how I feel
• More desirous to help those in need
• No need or value in fighting or getting upset over anything
• The social capital you build up is gold
• Slow down…don’t need to move so fast
• Appreciation for those with life altering illnesses or diseases - mental or physical
• Increased desire to see my kids progress in their lives and be a part of it
• Glad for the life I have lived, the time I have spent with kids, wife, & friends
• Deeper appreciation for parents who have lost a child or have serious challenges
• Greater awareness of the amazing friends I have
• How amazing people are and how connected I believe we are as a big family

I started this entry with the question “How do we change the conversations is our lives?”

I’m not sure what the total answer is to this question, and it will be different for each person. Start pondering with me…I guarantee we will get inspired as to what the course of action is for each of us if we are sincere in our inquiry.

Maybe it is to express appreciation to your significant other daily, let your kids know how much you love them. Maybe it is go to church and get involved, do more service, say more prayers, take time to meditate, read, get up earlier, workout, eat better, lose weight, be thankful for your health and clear mind, let go of your past, maybe your last relationship did not work out…learn from it and move on….don’t hold onto the past.  Maybe you want to be a better worker, better parent, better provider, neighbor, friend…whatever it is…start thinking about what actions you can take to create new thoughts that will create new choices and new feelings and actions and hence change your life experience.

My diagnosis of cancer only potentially means that it is more certain that my life could end earlier than yours. Both our lives might end tonight when we drive on the freeway or when we are walking across the street or when we ride our bikes down the road….it is when things are more known that we are somehow able to shift our behaviors. Let’s change this. 

Thanks for reading my ramblings.  I know it can be scary to jump into someone’s thought pattern…but this is the stuff I think about…so welcome to my world!

Have an amazing Thanksgiving week…this is my favorite holiday for many reasons…the waves are always good, snow riding begins, no pressure to give presents, just hanging out with family/friends, great food, and the weather in CA is always beautiful!

Lots of Love for all of you! Go Team Maddog!

Greg

I received my first chemo treatment of Carboplatin and Alimpta (Pemetrexed) and the trial drug-Demcizumab/placebo on November 3rd.  When you get my brand of chemo, you sit in the infusion room on the 5th floor of the hospital and for 2.5 hours and they put different fluids into an IV that leads the fluid into your arm vein.  Each bag of fluid takes 20-30 minutes and then you have to rest for 20-30 minutes before they begin the next round.  Just imagine you went to get a mani or pedi at the local salon…chairs lined up, people all doing their own thing, looking at everyone, trying to figure out who is who, lots of noises, foreign languages you don’t understand,…that is almost the scene…accept they don’t offer you $5 pictures on your toes….”good price for you."

The infusion rooms are nice, clean, open rooms with 2-4 people sitting around getting some type of medicine and there are lots of nurses and other folks helping out. You can have one visitor to be with you and there are windows so you can look down on the busy streets of SF and just imagine what “normal” life must be like.  The normal reflection is curious in that as a cancer patient you look normal, but on the inside you are not normal…as I sat in the chair trying to convince myself that I was normal, I was just reminded that regardless of how normal we think we look, what is going on in the inside is what really determines how you are doing. 

I found myself reflecting on a time when I was just out of college and a bunch of us were sitting around talking about various things and other people.  There was some fun being poked at one of our acquaintances, and one of my friends said to all of us, “if you guys knew his story, you would not be saying the things you are saying.” This struck me to the core, and I remember feeling that his words were so so so true….and I knew this, but I had let the conversation slip into the easiness of talking about other people in a non-productive way. I was mad at myself to have to continue learning a lesson I thought I had learned many years prior…but clearly had forgotten.  

The first I remember learning this lesson was on my LDS Mission to Montana. The most fascinating part of the mission experience was learning the “story” behind all the unique people you met….it was honestly one of the most amazing experiences to have assumptions about someone and then to realize how wrong you were! As you can guess, I would make a game out of meeting new people, making some immediate assumptions (thin slicing as they say), and then trying to see if I was wrong or right…knowing me I probably kept my own batting average and had some quantitative way to make me feel like I was an all star…all from just talking to people at the post office or on the street…probably too much information about my wacky brain…but I have always enjoyed creating a little competition for myself if for no other reason to keep me entertained and to create my own experimental playground.

So while I sat in the chair with an IV in my right forearm, tons of hospital sounds beeping everywhere, latex gloves, masks, everyone in scrubs, people getting transfusions….and just wondering…”you know what…none of these people know me, and I don’t know any of them…but if I could learn their story it would be very entertaining and inspiring…even the people on the streets of SF….as normal as they looked who knows what is going on inside?"

One of the interesting parts of the day was when I sat in the chair to begin, I got word that the drugs I had been randomized to receive were expired. When you are on a clinical trial (at least mine) they put 3 sets of drugs that all look alike in 3 different numbered bags and then the computer spits out a number and that is the bag I get.  Maybe you get the real stuff, maybe sugar water for the trial portion? Each bag has a different set of drugs and they are administered in a certain order. 

Back to the expiration of drugs…thank goodness for the pharmacist who caught this little mistake.  I was not privy to all of the conversation, but suffice it to say someone either lost their job and/or got some serious feedback.  

Even though Johnathon was not supposed to tell us, we cajoled out of him the behind-the-scene story and he said they tried to blame it on him, and once they started the blame game…he went on the offensive and made sure they took accountability for the mistake. Dilbert would for sure make a great cartoon out of that scene!  Expired drugs in a clinical trial is a bad thing!

The good news was they said, “you have a couple of hours to go kill and if the drugs don’t arrive by 3pm we will not be able to start”.  To Johnathon this was not an option given all he had done to get us ready….and of course he is in our camp now….”these amazing people come all the way from Santa Cruz, do whatever it takes to have the right drugs here before 3pm!” Nice to have advocates…and I have not even told you about how advanced our relationship has moved with Johnathan.

So given we had a couple of hours we said, “let’s go walk around SF…as you know there are not too many cities as great as SF!”. Wouldn’t you know it, we found a killer lunch spot and an amazing massage parlor…what could we do...we had to eat and if you are about to start Chemo…a massage seemed like the perfect prep activity! We got this “couple” cabana and had a wonderful experience.

Once we got back to hospital (very relaxed and ready for whatever they wanted to do with us) we got started. It did not hurt that I had the nicest nurse on the floor in an area they call the cove which is around less people….so the overall experience was pretty good! They are watching you closely to see how you immediately react to the drugs and all went well….so nothing but a good sign!

It was a long day for sure, and we were excited to get home around 7pm, after arriving at UCSF at 8am.

The summary word of the week has been TIRED. I don’t ever recall being so lazy in my life and having little desire to do anything.  I literally could sit on the couch and do nothing all day, no reading, no watching tv, just flat out veggin out….it was crazy…I kept thinking I was going to freak out by not doing anything but for some reason I just felt like a blob and it was perfectly ok to do nothing!

I tried to write this blog several times…but it was useless.  Now that I am in day 8, I can feel some energy coming back and hence I am writing! The craziest part of the week has been my left calf muscle…killing me! I feel like I did 500 calf raises with 150 pounds on the bar bell! You know the feeling (roll out of bed and your legs can’t hold you up…you basically buckle to the ground)  I am sure this will pass but for not working out, I am feeling like I just did a major crossfit calf workout!

It has been interesting to once again just appreciate the simple things in life-ability to breathe, ability to have a desire to get stuff done, watching someone run down the road, being able to sleep thru the night, being able to give someone a hug (they don’t want me touching anyone during chemo for fear I might pick up something they are carrying), going surfing with your son, being able to walk and not be weary, etc.

So what else has been fun this week…. Johnathan…well…we spent two days with him last week…and leave it to Jan…she has his entire life story down. I honestly don’t think anyone has been so interested in him for many years. His parents fled Germany and made it to the states, he was raised by his Jewish grandma and mother, worked to find a cure for Aides for 20 years, and then his mom died of lung cancer.  10 years ago he said they stopped research on Aides because the medicine today keeps you alive and it is no longer a death sentence. Since his mom died of lung cancer, he said he wanted to help find a cure…just like he did with Aides…so he has thrown himself into finding a cure and hence leads all the clinical trials related to lung cancer at UCSF. 

I could tell he felt understood, loved, and appreciated by Jan.  She did her thing and just wanted to know his story and be non judgmental in the process.  As you know when people feel this genuine interest, they open themselves up and connection happens from both perspectives.

A friend sent me a really great quote today that has caused me to really ponder as I have been trying to come to grips with how amazing my community of friends are.  I am honestly blown away at the love people have and the willingness of the human being to be concerned and thoughtful. 

“Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart.  When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help.”

I went back to UCSF yesterday and had my first follow up visit.  All went well, and what I did learn was that my next chemo treatment will be a little more taxing on my body, the fatigue will last a little longer, and I am going to get really funny!  So stay tuned for that…we will see what the fingers have to say when I start typing.

Thanks so much for all your love, support, prayers, faith, chants, good vibes, meditations, etc…I feel very powerful knowing that there are so many people rooting for me…everyone of you continues to touch my life in a unique and wonderful way….never stop sharing your thoughts, concerns, feelings, ideas, hopes, etc….I really appreciate all of it. 

Fight on Warriors!!

If you want a Team Maddog bracelet (they are really cool) let Mary Partin (831-818-4106) know via text. Send her your address and she will make sure you get one or she will point you to someone who may have some in your area.  You could also let me know and I will make sure you get one!

How is the MadVember Challenge going…I hope you are moving and grooving and making it the best month ever...who needs a razor!!